A Deadly New Threat – Bombers on Bicycles

This from the only-in-America hotline.

Apparently the bike lanes of New York City are now a haven for terrorists bent on seeking out targets for their insane upcoming campaign of the blanket bombing of New York City. It has occurred to a CBS2 reporter – one Marcia Kramer – that the bike lanes springing up around NYC are the perfect delivery routes for terrorists intent on meeting out revenge on the infidels, and in particular the Israeli variants.

In Kramer's world, the bike lanes will become avenues of death, with militants, bent on reeking havoc on the very bedrock of democracy that is NYC, careening back and forth delivering payloads of hate, death and destruction on their two-wheeled conveyances of Satan. And all whilst inconveniencing the smooth and rapid flowing transit system that are the cars, taxis and buses of NYC, because of course, everyone knows that the myth of traffic congestion in NYC is the vile spewing of communists intent on demolishing the American way of life.

Clearly the continued construction and extension of these highways of hell, themselves a punch-in-the-gut to the ideal of a four-wheeled utopian symbol of democracy, is an open invitation to militants to pack their frame tubes full of whatever exploding shit they can get their hands on, slip into their most figure pleasing slinky lycra or the latest in hipster fashion, and rocket their two-wheeled IEDs down these avenues, unimpeded by rule of law or gridlock, delivering their mayhem to wherever the hell they like.

Sounds ideal, although I'm guessing that Kramer likely hasn't factored in the probability that, what with the chances of getting hooked by a car, doored, hit by a bottle thrown from a vehicle, flatting on the innumerable bits of sharp gutter rubbish, decked by a kamikaze pedestrian, nailed by a mutt running around on a leash, or even brained by a head on collision with a fellow terrorist 'salmoning' their way alongside said route, the success rate of this delivery system isn't going to be that spectacular.

Shit, methinks said terrorists will likely figure out pretty quickly that it's cheaper and more effective to buy a backpack, pay the cab fare to where they wanna go, and then complete the journey via a brisk and healthy 5 minute walk to their intended destination. They'll definitely arrive less sweaty and stressed out, and in one piece (just before they blow themselves into the exact opposite of that).

So, we salute you Marcia Kramer for revealing this latest threat presented by the scourge of cycling! Mind you, a little exercise needed there Marcia – your whale arse is showing. Maybe a little trundle along the bike lanes of NYC...?

Ride Safe!